As a husband I’m probably the hardest person to love. I started my list of mental health medications shortly after the relationship that ended before I met my wife. Things were good when we met… I feel like I put on quite a show and kept my insecurities and mental problems in check. After a couple of years we went for it and decided to get married in Las Vegas. Life was good if only for a short time. Once the courtship ended and life settled back in, those feelings of inadequacy slowly crept back in. Antidepressants and antianxiety medications didn’t do much for me and the urge to turn to the bottle was stronger every day. We worked through it and things once again were buried once we decided to get pregnant.
We’re now about seven years into our marriage and I feel like I’m no longer what my wife wants or needs. I’ve moved on to new medications in varying dosages due to the sexual side effects of the past medications… To no avail. The drive from my twenties seems that it never will return and my marriage is suffering because of it… Even if it’s only in my own mind. I love my wife with ally heart but I feel like I’m headed back down the rabbit hole that is mental illness… Whatever that illness may be.
I will succeed being a great dad to my daughter… I have no doubt… But being a great husband to my wife has become far more difficult than I’d ever imagined. The feeling of being judged by her and her family is becoming increasingly more difficult to deal with. My extreme introversion does not just extend to the public, it follows me into my private life as well. Shutting down when difficult conversations begin is my go-to strategy it seems because I don’t know what to say. It’s not fair to my wife or my child and I don’t know if I’ll ever change at this point in my life but I take solace in knowing that I’ll never stop trying to evolve for the two of them. I just hope they can hold out until I can get things figured out.
Scatterbrained Dad 